Oh, this year. This year! 2018. One I’ll never forget.
Full of twists and turns and sadness and unexpected-ness and upset and horror and grace and pure, magic joy.
We all struggled through a lot of shit this year. We lost people. We fought. We called out perpetrators. We made mistakes. We loved and hated fiercely. We tried our best. We all persevered.
Despite all the challenges, or possibly because of them, it was a year of growth on a grand scale. And we’re all somehow better for it. A little battered, perhaps, but tougher, wiser, more grounded, maybe lighter? We’ve had to get that way. And I believe it will serve us, moving forward.
For me personally, 2018 was such a mixed bag of highs and lows. I lost my dad to Alzheimer’s. But it was also the year that we adopted my daughter, legally and forever.
That mantra: Please, God, let us adopt Isabella legally and forever carried me for over two and a half year. It’s realization on October 29th was a new lease on life, a manifestation of collective prayer and energy and magic, materializing – finally! – in the physical world. It made just about everything else recede into the background. That is the thing that happened. It was a big one. The biggest of my life to date. I will forever be moved, astounded and grateful to 2018 for this gift.
As we approach the new year, I find myself quiet and introspective. I’ve been mulling over my new word. Every year I pick one that will inform the coming year. This year I keep thinking of the word alignment. I wish to be in alignment – with myself! For my thoughts, words and actions to all be aligned and to live from that truth… So there’s been some necessary inventory taking. When I look at my life, what doesn’t align? What needs to be weeded? What can be let go of, so that I can move forward more freely, more stealthily, more powerfully? Where am I not being honest with myself? It’s meant letting go of some things, including a job I quit earlier this month that had served me well but no longer fit. I was tired of feeling that and knowing it, even talking about it, but showing up and doing it anyway, because it was easy. Because it was a habit. Because it was expected of me. Because what other people wanted and needed was more important than the voice inside telling me I wasn’t getting nearly as much out of it as I was giving, and that it needed to stop. I finally bit the bullet and put my actions into alignment.
Alignment also means putting my money where my mouth is – or – actually doing the thing that I’ve been talking about for so long. What am I truly aligned with? What do I stand for? And how will I demonstrate that and commit to it? Writing is big on my agenda for the coming year. It is one thing to talk about writing. To think about writing. To dream and vision about writing. But I also need to get a plan and stick to it. To put in the hours. To do the work. That means continuing to make some shifts in my life. What is most important to me? How can I support that and be on my own side instead of against myself?
On a more literal note, I want alignment in my body again. Two years of Crossfit has meant two years out of yoga. I had to let something go and that’s what went. But I feel called to bring it back, to balance the yang of those workouts with a more yin approach. To commit to mobility and recovery as much as to strength training, endurance and ass-kicking. I’ve lived with chronic numbness and tingling in my fingers that they tell me stems from my cervical spine. I’d like to correct that. I don’t want it anymore. I don’t need it. I am ready to align!
Ok, as I write this, the clock is ticking. The moments to this year are numbered. I’ve got a baby waking up from a long nap and a husband and a father-in-law wondering how we’re celebrating tonight. My perfectionist instinct says this post is a bit rambling and un-gelled, that I haven’t spent enough time refining my thoughts and how I’m articulating them — but I’m committed to getting this out there, and letting this year go with it. I’m aligned with that.
Happy Re-set, everyone. I love you all and I’m wishing you an incredible 2019!
